Love Letters-20

As I sit here, I wonder where I found this silence. I wonder when my heart turned so still. So still, it had lost the will. So still, it found no words. So still, it would no longer fight. So still, it would no longer leap, and jump, and throb and seek. So still, so quiet.

As my mind wanders, my thoughts drift. I think back at when I learned to love. And why, and how, and why ever not? I think back at the magnificient red bus I climbed on to one summer morning. I knew then, I was in love. I think back at the dingy little restaurant, we first met at. The night I wondered, how immense is this love.

Now, I wonder why. Now, I wonder why my little heart leaped, my mind ticked, and time allowed love. I wonder why my heart burst into noisy chatter, so soon, so suddenly. Why, it could never pause to reason. And, most of all I wonder why it turned so quiet, so still.

Because, when I sit here, my heart longs to whistle. To talk, and write, and love, and anger, and loathe. But, it sits so quietly...so afraid to say too much, so unsure of saying so little.

[ More Love Letters Here ]

The City of Dreams

I do not know his name. But, I know him well. I know him by his face. Browned with many Indian summers. I know him by his hair, black, flopped to the side. By his insipid white shirt, bought off a wheel cart by the station. And, my eyes follow him as he walks unsure down the path littered with people and stones, leading up to Platform Number 5.

His steps pick up pace as he nears the platform. From a distance, I can see a brown, dusty train speeding in. Hurried customers at newspaperwallas leave transactions mid-way. The blind man pauses his sweet, summer song. And, the chaiwalla abruptly stops stirring, as if to salute the train just rolled in.

And, a thousand feet clamber up the train. Some, climb to its roof. Many hang on to its door. And, some sneak in to the luggage compartment without luggage. The healthy occupy the coach for the diseased. A couple men find place in a compartment reserved for women. They are angrily pushed out of the train.

In minutes, the platform empties. Except for the stray passenger running, a lone bangle-seller standing by the pillar, there is no one. The train begins to move. Announcements crowd the silence. And, as the train just about leaves...last minute commuters are held up, onto the train. Familiar faces help each other, make it in time. Arms flailing from the door, helping a set of running feet and outstretched arms into the train.

My man, the man I know, but do not know, is among them. He is streaking across Platform Number 5, hoping to catch the train. His legs are making fast, rapid steps...his hands are outstretched, waiting to be held. I know him well, and I know he is not a familiar face.

As the train rolls out of Mahim Junction, he stands there defeated. Nobody helped him up the Churchgate bound train. His shoulders fall. His head hangs low. Another broken dream fills Mumbai's sultry air. The train picks up speed, another dream drifts into the distance. Never to be held again, never to be dreamed.

Monday Musings - 6

On a bright Sunday afternoon, running down a bustling Mumbai bylane is a scrawny, 22-year-old girl. Her face masked with fury, she is struggling to keep pace with a moving white car. I watch her till she catches up with the white car...hurling abuses, banging the car window, running after the car. And, then I turn into the lane to my house...leaving behind a trail of bewildered onlookers.

My mind is in many places. And, my heart breaks for this young girl. Who was the driver? And, what brought her to such anger? How is it that we can let ourselves go, so easily?

And, how is it that in some cases, it takes so much to let ourselves go? Let me tell you about the Caferati Mumbai Chapter's Readmeet on Saturday. Only thirteen of us turned up. It was my first time, and seeing how incredible this session is for writers and non-writers alike... I wish there had been more of us.

The Readmeet began with a round of introductions. Then, each of us read out a piece...and everybody took their turns to comment on our work- good, bad and ugly. The evening wound up with a generous serving of creamy chocolate cake and warm croissants. All this in a lovely garden...the sound of a waterfall in the background.

Considering the distance, I almost didn't go for the Readmeet. But, on my way back I began to think of how often we let these excuses get the better of us. Perhaps, it is time we start letting ourselves go...in the right direction. At the Readmeet too, I was afraid to read out my own poetry. But, I did. And, the thing I came back home with was just how marvelous it had been to shed my inhibitions.

I knew then, I wanted to share this feeling with the world. In this world that busies, buries and excuses itself with the mundane...it takes so little to let go. To break free!


[More Monday Musings here ]

Immanuel

God is with us.

The morning's hustle-bustle comes to an ephemeral halt. The little red window reveals a massive crane toppled sideways onto the road alongside... breaking walls, spewing blood.We chug through the chaos, make our way to the station, somehow. Everybody seems startled.
I run to the first train I see...It's time to rush to work, keeping the delay in mind. The train is relatively empty, I settle into a seat... armed with a newspaper to keep me company. A voice shakes me out of my stupor, a hefty woman tells us we're under high alert, following the Jaipur blasts. She yells out an Emergency number, warns us to keep hawkers and beggars out of the train. Just as she makes her way out, a young magazine seller clambers up the train.
The hefty woman shuffles up to the man, 'traps' him, or so she says. She goes on to humiliate him, call the emergency number and scorn him as he pleads forgiveness. As the train enters the next station, she proceeds to push him off.
I watch, teary-eyed. I wonder how lashing out at the innocent, lashing out at the poor serves any purpose at all. In a few moments, I think, all innocence is lost. There's a lot of unfairness in this world. In those moments, I wonder if there is a God. There ought to be, I think. There ought to be, I think, to set this unfairness right.

A few days later, I see the same magazine seller climb up the train.
Life, life goes on.

Penang's guilt-ridden beaches reek of sewage and saltwater. We add to what took away its old world charm. We parasail, boat ride, jet ski and turn back into the hotel. We walk down it's atypical night market, sift through the bobbing blue-and-white beads, we tuck in stir-fried prawns and nasi tossed with fried-egg, chicken bits and chopped veggies. We also sink in George Town, old Chinese houses, cars that ride into ferries and the sparkling Gurney's Plaza.

Genting's tryst with modernity still retains it's natural charm. The skyway looks over lush greenery, as you walk... you glide through clouds...in the morning, the clouds urge you out of bed. A measly theme park opens into a sparkling mall...a classic holiday hotspot for all things young and restless.

Kuala Lampur takes you into a mixed world of the bold and the conservative.. yellow heels meet night-black head scarves. We shop, swim in the icy cold water, use the efficient mono-rail, stare at the queer people that make up the city...and yearn for home.

And, we return. With many stories, bags of nice-smelling shoes, clothes and the bobbing blue beads.

We are home. Back to the real city, with real people. No matter how you look at it, and what it takes out of you...this is home. And, we're back.
Thank God.

Little and not so little children follow me everywhere I go. They pretend to be grown up, wail, babble, smile, talk, absorb the world, or sit around pucker-faced, quiet. Travelling by bus, train and then a walk down Mahim's slum-cluttered street each morning leaves never a dull moment. Somedays, I see little children engaged in some mindless game or the other. Sitting atop a broken chair with wheels still intact and being dragged across the concrete. The other day, I saw a lost little boy on his first train ride. He watched in quiet fascination. Not a sound. And, then someday I talk or smile at these little children and I love it when they smile back. Like the little boy in the train who urged me to buy a picture book. And, surprised me by reading out in English! Or, perhaps the football playing kids outside my office who tease, wave out and always manage a smile. Somedays, I meet angelic little girls, so elegantly poised, bratty boys who talk big, and some sensible young girls, I'm all in love with. I watch how they move their fingers, do a little dance, move their lips, curl their toes.
Oh yes, I want babies.